The First 4 Days of Life

After Aili was born she hung out in the delivery room with us for a little while before Chris went down to the nursery with her. The shift change with the nurses happened, which totally sucked because my good nurse left and a lame one came. She was not attentive at all and never explained anything. I just sat there waiting and wondering what was going on. They had taken me off the epidural medicine and it was totally wearing off and I started to feel the trauma that happened down below. When I asked for medication, because I was in pain, the nurse took her good old time.

Eventually Chris left with Aili and the nurse worked to get me ready to move me down to the 2^nd floor. Apparently they want you to pee before you go down and right after you go down to the 2^nd floor. This was harder than you would think. Standing up and walking to the bathroom was not easy. And peeing was impossible. Standing up and walking from the bathroom back over to the bed I almost passed out. Remember I had lost a lot of blood.

We packed up all our stuff with me in the wheelchair and headed to the 2^nd floor. We passed the nursery and saw Chris and Aili, and then headed to the room, where I sat by myself for quite awhile. I was really lonely and no one was telling me what was going on with Aili. This is where what had just happened finally started sinking in. And this is when the crappy part of the whole experience begins.

Eventually Chris and my friend Abby and Aili came into the room. Abby told me that her Glucose levels were low so she had to stay in the level two nursery so they could help her get her levels up. She told me it should be a big deal; usually they go up within 24 hours. I wasn’t too concerned. So I got to hold her for a minute before she went to the nursery. Once she went to the level 2 nursery she couldn’t come out. I would have to go in there to see her.

My parents brought us some food and a smoothie and we chatted a little. Then it was time for everyone to go. Chris went home for the night because there wasn’t much he could do there. I was just going to be hanging out in my room recovering and the nurses were taking care of Aili.

This night was awful. Like I told you they try and get you to pee again. Ya impossible again. Apparently my body was a little traumatized and didn’t want to cooperate. So after multiple times of trying and feeling like my bladder was going to explode and being extremely uncomfortable, they finally put a catheter in me to empty me out. HOLY COW that sucked. I had a catheter with my epidural…but you are numb when they put it in so it’s no big deal at all. This time I was NOT numb and down there was destroyed and painful already. Seriously one of the most uncomfortable painful things ever, but totally worth it. You would be shocked at how much liquid instantly came out of me, and then continued to come out of me.

So that night I got absolutely no sleep and I was really lonely and feeling kind of sad the whole night.

The next day I tried to rest. We visited Aili in the nursery. Tried to breastfeed, but she would just fall dead asleep. It was kind of weird no one could figure it out. The next night Chris stayed, mostly because I was lonely and wanted the company. I had to wake up and go to the nursery all through the night to feed Aili. Which still wasn’t really successful.

Thursday and Friday are all kind of a blur. I was discharged on Thursday. They wanted Aili to be feeding better so that she could keep her glucose levels up. She had had an IV the whole time that she was there which was a nightmare because she is a hard stick. The poor thing was probably poked a million times trying to get a good IV in her. In her arms, hands and head. Thursday night we got up every 3 hours and drove to the hospital to feed her. She still wasn’t doing great. So since she wasn’t breastfeeding super well they put a feeding tube in her to make sure they knew exactly what she was getting to eat. That was hard. I had to walk out while they put it in. And I cried. It was super sad and emotionally draining to not be able to go home with her and to keep having little things happen where she couldn’t come home.

So while I was at home at night and at the hospital during the day I continued to pump and store me milk for her to be fed.

I think it was Friday that they told us that her sodium levels were now low so they had to keep her longer. They were sure why they were low. Maybe because of all the IV fluid that they had given her to get her glucose levels up. I was pretty discouraged when the doctor told us that. That night our parents came to the hospital and they gave Aili a blessing. The main thing a remember Chris saying is to help the doctors to be inspired to know what to do for her….little did we know.

Then Saturday the pediatrician on call called us when we were at home. He told me that they had heard a heart murmur when they listened to her that morning so they were scheduling an ultra sound (echo cardiogram) of her heart to see what it could be. This was the first time anyone had heard anything with her heart. I told Chris and again was discourage that there was again something else that was keeping her in the hospital. We went in a little later. We talked with the nurse about the murmur. She was actually the one that had first heard it. We didn’t talk too much about what it could be. But we kind of got the feeling that it may not be a big deal, lots of people have little heart murmurs. We left later that afternoon and ran to Target to get a few items for me. Chris pushed me around in a wheelchair because I was really sore and not up for walking around the store. Chris took me back home and then left to go get us some smoothies.

About 5-10 mins later Chris calls. I missed his first call and answered the second. I can’t remember exactly what he said, but I remember exactly how I felt. I think he may have only said my name at first and I knew instantly that there was something REALLY REALLY wrong. I immediately started sobbing and saying, “What! What!” He was crying and said that the hospital had called and the doctor wants to talk to us because there is something wrong with Aili’s heart. He said he was almost home and to come out to the car right away. What I felt at that time was nothing I have every felt before. It felt like my heart was being ripped out of my chest. I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t think, and I just wanted to throw up. I called my mom sobbing. I tried to tell her what was going on, but couldn’t stop sobbing enough to get the words out. She finally just said they would meet us over at the hospital.

I ran out the door down the stairs and into the car. Chris and I just cried and cried all the way to the hospital. We didn’t know exactly what was wrong, but we knew that there was something wrong with our sweet, 4 day old, baby’s heart, and that was more than we could take.

We ran into the hospital and up into the nursery. They had her all unwrapped and doing some tests on her. The doctor met us and started explaining. He told us that she had tetralogy of fallot with pulmonary atresia, and then started explaining what that was. My parents at that time showed up. The doctor was drawing out a heart to explain to us what was wrong with Aili’s. I tried to listen to what he was saying. But I was so devastated, and couldn’t believe what was happening. I just cried and cried into my mom shoulder. I don’t think I even came close to understanding what exactly was wrong with her heart. All I remember him saying is that it is a very serious heart disorder. They told us that the cardiologist was on his way to take another look at her heart and that she would be transferred to another hospital, they just didn’t know where yet.

They gave me Aili told hold. I really thought my life was over. I couldn’t have ever imagined the feeling that was surging through me at this point. I couldn’t stop sobbing. And I kept saying, “I can’t do this, I can’t do this, I can’t do this.” Because I really couldn’t. It was really more than I could bear. Chris’s parents then showed up and they explained to them what was going on.

Then I had to pump so I sat in a corner with the curtains closed crying and crying. Chris was equally as devastated. I have seen him cry a couple times, but nothing like this. It was hard seeing him cry like that. But even though he was feeling the pain I was feeling he still tried to comfort me. After my millionth time of saying, “I can’t do this.” He looked into my eyes and said something to the effect of, “You CAN do this. She was sent to us because she needed us. She needs YOU as her mom. You are the one that she needs.” As much as I knew that that was true, it was a lot to take in. I just could not believe that this was really happening to us.

I was scared enough to have a healthy baby, and it just got a billion times scarier. I had no idea what was going to happen next. It was SO completely overwhelming, I couldn’t even breathe. I always had heard stories of people getting angry when bad things happened to them; I never quite understood it until this moment. I had small little bursts of, “Why? Why me, why is this happening?” I just didn’t understand why I couldn’t have a healthy baby like so many others.

I realized I couldn’t keep thinking that though, because it did happen, and I couldn’t change it now. So I just had to look forward and not wish for something different. I left the nursery by myself to go to the bathroom. I just stood in there and looked at myself in the mirror crying. I have never felt such despair. I knew I couldn’t do this by myself, and that I needed some serious help to get through what was happening. So for the first time ever I was humbled enough to kneel down in the bathroom and pray like I have never prayed before. I definitely didn’t feel immediately peaceful and fine, but I had enough strength to stand back up and face what was happening.

Aili was being transferred to primary children’s hospital, and they were taking her by ambulance. It was the saddest thing seeing her hooked up to everything and strapped into this little case on this big stretcher and taken away.

They nurses got us some drinks and treats to take with us, because I think they knew we were ready to pass out. We hadn’t had dinner, and probably wouldn’t be any time soon. The sweet nurse who had been taking care of Aili and had first heard the murmur was so kind. She hugged me multiple times and told me that I could do it. I wanted to believe her so bad; I just didn’t understand how I could possible do it at this point.

Chris and I got into our car, and our parents got into their cars and we all followed the ambulance up to the hospital. We didn’t say much in the car. We were both so numb. We just sat in silence and then would just start crying again, and again.

We got to the hospital and tried to follow her in but they got her in there before we knew where she was going. In the ER they told us to go up to the NICU. We went up to the NICU but they said she wasn’t there, they weren’t expecting any transfers. They sent us down to the PICU, but we couldn’t get in until we checked in with security downstairs. After checking in which took forever with an old guy who thought he was funny, and I kind of wanted to punch him, we finally got up to where Aili was. She was hooked up to all her monitors. Looking so sad. I hated seeing her there like that.

Again I had to pump which was so frustrating. The nurse was so not helpful. I felt like nobody cared that my life had just been ripped apart in the last couple hours. I went into this little pumping room with my mom and just lost it. I was yelling and sobbing at the same time, I was a wreck. Pretty sure anyone near that room could hear me.

We talked to one of the cardiologist Fellows about Aili’s heart condition. They were going to do another echo cardiogram that night to take another look at her heart. He told us that there is a Surgeon at Stanford that specializes Tetrology of Fallot with Pulmonary Atresia, so that could be an option depending on exactly what Aili’s heart is doing. We asked him how likely it would be for her to have surgery within the week. He said that he didn’t think she would have a surgery within the week.

It was late after we all talked to the Fellow, we said goodbye to our sweet little Aili to head home to try and get some rest. I always felt so bad leaving her at AF hospital and now I felt even worse. It is so hard to leave your baby that you are supposed to have home with you at the hospital. It hurt my heart so bad.

We were all starving at this point. We headed back to our condo and Chris’s dad picked up some food for us. I tried to eat, I was starving, but at the same time didn’t have an appetite. I would be okay for a few minutes and then reality would strike and I just wanted to curl up and cry until I couldn’t cry anymore.

It was really nice to have both of our parents there and their support. I don’t think we could have done it alone. We talked over the whole situation. We talked about how it was a huge blessing that she had to stay in the hospital with all these other random problems so that they could catch this. Just imagine if we went home….then how would be find out? When she started turning blue? We tried to talk about all the blessing and the positives things that had happened. That is sometimes hard for me because I’m quite the pessimist, and tend to look at the negatives.

Chris and I got some blessings from our dad’s after we ate, which was a HUGE comfort. We all felt better after that, not great, but better. Then our parents left so that we could all try and get some sleep.

We quietly got ready for bed, both crying on and off. We climbed into bed and just held each other crying. We could not believe that our sweet baby girl had a heart defect. It is the hardest thing to wrap your head around. I looked at Chris and asked him if he thought we would ever stop crying. I just couldn’t imagine ever stopping. I never knew my heart could hurt so badly. At least Chris and I have each other. I couldn’t imagine doing this without him; he’s and amazing husband and now an amazing dad.

The Little Things

While breastfeeding my cute little Aili I have found the log in the back of the booklet they give you at the hospital really helpful. I tried the hairband around the wrist thing to remember what side she last fed on but I always forgot to move it. So I just write down how many minutes she eats on what side and also keep track of her wet and poopy diapers. It is really important for for any baby to eat enough but especially Aili. We need her to get as big and strong as she can before she gets her surgery.

Anyway I used up all the long space in the booklet so I asked Chris just to make me a simple one so I can continue to keep track. I loved the little note that he put on the bottom of every page.It's the little things that make me smile. I love him!

(My nickname for him is Puppy.)

Aili hanging out with dad.

Induction Day & Birth 2/7/12

This is extremely long and pretty detailed. This is mostly for myself, and then for anyone else who is interested. I always like reading other peoples birth stories. So here I go.

After a whole weekend of have some pretty painful contractions I was more than ready to be induced. The night before we got a call from the hospital and we were scheduled to be the 7:00 am induction. I was really glad that we could get started early, because I know that it could take a really long time.

Going to bed that night was weird…last time that it would just be the two of us. We woke up the next morning excited and ready for the day.

We got onto the 3^rd floor (Labor and Delivery) and they put me in the first delivery room right through the second set of doors. It was quite a large room. I was kind of surprised. I got changed into the ever so flattering gown and took a seat on the bed. We waited for a while before my nurse came in. She got me all strapped up to the monitors and ready to go. She told me that at any time I wanted my epidural to let her know. She told me don’t feel like you are a weak if you ask for it just ask for it when you want it.

At 8:15am the doctor came in and broke my water. At the time I was dilated to almost a 2. Not really any progress from the night before when we went to the hospital because I was in so much pain. It was kind of discouraging that all that pain did nothing. They did say I was almost 100% effaced so that the contractions did something…but that didn’t make me feel too much better.

At 8:20am they started me on the Oxytocin drip through my IV. Which by the way I was really nervous to get an IV. I had never had one before. At first they tried to put it in my left forearm, but she really couldn’t see/find the vein. That didn’t surprise me. I have very small not very visible veins. Then she tried to put it in my left hand but apparently my vein in that hand is incredibly crooked so she moved to the right hand and decided it was good enough. Um the IV totally hurts! I was really hoping it wouldn’t hurt that bad the whole time. Luckily it didn’t because it was really uncomfortable at first.

By 10:00am my contractions were really strong and about 2 ½ -3 minutes apart. Contractions are so painful. I wish men could just get a taste of what they feel like. Mine were all in the front low in my pelvis and just felt like knives stabbing me. Every time a contraction came I would think “I can’t do another one”, but then in between the pain went completely away and I would think, “I can do this.” I tried to watch old cartoons to keep my mind of them but that didn’t work too well. I was getting close to just getting that darn epidural. I didn’t want to get it too soon though and then have it not feel as strong at the end when I would really want it. In our classes the nurse anesthetist said that they prefer you to be dilated to a 3 or 4 before you get your epidural so I wanted to wait until then. But they hadn’t checked me since 8:15.

At 10:40am I finally caved and got my epidural. I wasn’t too nervous about getting it. I know a lot of people freak out. But when they showed us the needle in our class I thought that it was smaller than I would have thought. They raised the bed really high, I sat on the edge and Chris sat in front of me messaging me feet to calm me and keep my mind off of what was going on. I thought they would time putting it in when I wasn’t having a contraction, but they didn’t care apparently. So it was good that I was able to stay pretty still and calm while he did it.

It was crazy to start and feel the epidural working. It just slowly started dulling the contractions little by little. I was a little worried I got it too early, but they checked me at 11:10 and I was dilated to a 3! I was so happy! At about 11:15 the pain went away but I could still feel the pressure and then eventually I couldn’t feel anything at all. I didn’t even know I was having contractions. It was awesome! I was so happy. I can’t imagine why you wouldn’t want an epidural? Why go through hours of exhausting pain if you don’t have to? And it isn’t just the pain…it is the exhausting part. How at the end of hours and hours of painful contractions taking a toll on your body do you have the energy to push a baby out at the end? I don’t know, and that is why I got the glorious epidural. It was beautiful. I couldn’t imagine doing it any other way.

The doctor told me that dilating form a 1 to a 5 was the hardest, longest part. So I had mentally prepared myself for the longest day of my life. So when they checked me again at 2:05 I was thinking I might be a 4, but I was a 6! Again we were so happy! I was rocking it! At this time the nurse said I would probably dilated a centimeter an hour from here on out. So that would put me at about 6:00pm to start pushing.

At about 2:35 the nurse checked me again. I could see it on her face…it was awesome. Her eyes got wide and she got a big smile on her face. I said, “What? What is it?” She says, “You’re a 9!” At this point I’m feeling like a freaking rock star. My body is awesome, and we are getting this baby out faster than we all had originally thought. I was prepared for a 12 or more hour process.

We hung out for a little longer waiting to get to a 10. The nurse told us at about 4:40 that we would start pushing at 5:00. She warned us that pushing could take 1-3 hours. I was kind of bummed because the nurses have a shift change at 6:00 and that would suck to get a new nurse right at the end. I really liked mine.

So at 5:00 I started pushing. I couldn’t believe this was really happening. I was having a baby. She was coming out of me. I am exposed to the whole world, and I really thought part of me would care. But once I started pushing it was the least of my worries. I just really tried to focus on pushing like a champ. I had told the nurse earlier that I wanted the baby to have hair. At 5:10 you could already start seeing her head so the nurse told Chris at the next push to see what color her hair was. He was shocked at how much dark brown hair he saw. Yay for lots of hair!

At this point the nurse realizes that this is going to happen really fast. She has called the doctor to let him know, but he isn’t there yet. So now she tells me to do “half” pushes, because if I did full pushes she would be out before the doctor got there. We joked about why the doctors get paid the big bucks when all they do is come at the end at catch the baby. He showed up about 5-10 minutes later. I only did a few more sets of pushing and at 5:25pm she was here!

It was the weirdest feeling when she finally came out. All this pressure was gone and my stomach deflated. The nurse had the respiratory team there just in case. So they took her and checked her and cleaned her all up. She was 7 lbs. 2 oz and 19 inches long.

(Warning the following is gross and may be too much information.)

Meanwhile, I apparently started hemorrhaging. And apparently right after she came out there was this huge gush of blood that barely missed Chris and went all over the floor. Like a lot of blood. (I have pictures to prove it, but it is gross so I won’t share.) I also learned that at the last push before she came out the doctor saw that the cord was wrapped around her neck. So instead of letting her slip back in and me doing more pushing he quickly snipped (gave me an episiotomy) and she slipped right out, with so much force that her shoulder made me tear in another place. Lovely I know. So for the next 30 minutes after she was born I laid getting all stitched up and they worked on trying to get me to stop bleeding. Chris told me later that there was like a river of blood coming out of me. He thought I was going to need a blood transfusion there was that much blood. And there really was blood everywhere. The doctor was pretty covered.

I wasn’t really too worried though. The doctor didn’t seem too worried either. I hadn’t lost enough blood to get a blood transfusion. But it sure did make a mess. And now I know why the doctor gets paid the big bucks. Boy am I glad that he was there. One to make that decision to give a snip to get her out because the cord was around her neck, and then to stitch me all up and work on getting me to stop bleeding.

The nurse told us that she really didn’t think she would see her born, but she was there for all of it. I was feeling pretty ecstatic after all was said and done. It wasn’t as horrifying as I thought it would be. With the epidural it was a breeze and I could totally do it all over again. I was feeling totally awesome for pushing her out in 25 mins. 1-3 hours? Not me! Woot Woot!

When they finally put her in my arms it was the craziest feeling. I was so happy. And you just have this overwhelming feeling of love that you have never felt before. I just stared at her face, amazed that she was really here. She was MY baby, and I already loved her so much.

My mom was there for the whole birth. After they finally were able to put her in my arms my mom asked me what her name was. We hadn’t told anyone yet. And up until my mom asked no one had asked, and I kind of forgot. I told her that it was Aili. She teared up, I teared up. Aili (said eye-lee) is my great grandma’s (my mom’s grandma) name from Finland.

So that is the birth story. Now as some of you know that it just the beginning, and easiest part of the hole having my baby story. This is already way long. The rest of the story I will try to tell in the next few post. It will be hard to write. The first week of my Aili baby’s life was the hardest week of mine. I have never in my life felt the emotions I felt that week. It was so hard. But I need to write it down.

Week 41 & Still Pregnant!

Yes I am still pregnant, and not comfortable any more. Last Thursday I started to have some contractions that weren't too bad. I was kind of happy that something was happening because there had been nothing before this. Then on Friday the started getting stronger and more consistent. I didn't get any sleep Friday night because I would just wake up in pain every 15 mins ish. So Saturday morning I was up really early which is unusual for me. We really thought that we would be having a baby by Saturday night. But no, the contractions didn't get any closer together. So Saturday again I got absolutely no sleep, and neither did Chris which isn't good because he has been getting sick. So all day Sunday the same thing. Contractions about 15 mins apart, but by the end of the day they were getting a lot stronger and more painful. Just the thought of another sleepless painful night made me cry. I was trying really hard to be patient and strong, but I was in so much pain and SO tired. I tried my best to sleep a few minutes in between each contractions, but after a few very painful ones I had just had it.

We decided to head over the the hospital to see what they would say. I pretty much knew they would send me home, but I couldn't just sit in bed dying any more. We showed up told them what was up. They kept me for the hour. I actually had contractions 3-5 mins apart while I was there. But even after this and 3 days of pain I was only dilated to a 1.5 or "1 plus" as they would say. Its amazing how much pain for so long can do nothing.

The fist nurse said that since my induction date is tomorrow there is a possibility they would just start me today, but it was up to the doctor. As we were waiting we were secretly hoping they would just give me some good pain killers and send us home so we could get some sleep. We were both dead tired. Most people wouldn't consider this lucky, but lucky us there was no change so they gave me pain meds and sent us home. We were both able to get a good 4 hours of sleep. I could still feel some pain but it took edge off enough not to jolt me awake every few minutes.

So tomorrow is the day! Unless she decides to come before that, but pretty sure that isn't happening. I'm a little worried how long the process is going to take tomorrow. I hope I can get a few hours of sleep tonight before the big day. I'm still absolutely terrified and can't believe this is really happening now. We are going to have a baby tomorrow. Craziness.

Condo 1 Year!

Just over a year ago we bought and moved into our condo. It was terrifying for me because anything to do with money scares me. It ended up being a great decision and we have loved being here. I just can't believe it has been a whole year already! And now we are adding a baby to our lives.

So after I posted pictures of the nursery I thought I might post some other pictures of our place. And because I had just cleaned the place really well and felt like I should take pictures while it still looked good. We actually just recently put things up on the walls in our family room. Yes it took a whole year. We just couldn't decide what to put up. Now that there are things up on the walls it feels a lot more warm and homey. We really like our place and are very grateful to have it!

Family Room. Painting is by our amazing artist friend Christie Brereton. Only after we got this painting could we finish this room. It was the missing piece!

The kitchen that has way too many coats of paint. We first painted it "grey" which turned out to look sky blue and was AWFUL! I seriously cried for a whole hour or more. We obviously repainted it and went in a completely different direction. We love the way it turned out.

Our very simple, non-decorated office.

Week 40 & No End

40 Weeks, can you believe it! I really never thought my due date would ever come, and now it has come and gone. I had a doctor's appointment again this morning. I didn't have high hopes for any progress. I pretty much knew that there had been no progress. I have had NO contractions, and NO signs of things moving along. I told the doctor that I would just plan on seeing him next Tuesday for my induction. I don't really have high hopes that she will come before that. She hasn't even dropped into my pelvis at all. The doctor did an ultra-sound today just to make sure her head was down, because it was high up enough today that he couldn't feel it. She is head down, just not down far enough.

The doctor said he just had a lady that was progressing really fast at the hospital. They called him in and she was dilated to a 10, ready to have the baby, and when he checked it was the babies bum and not the head so they had to do a C-section. He said "That was a bummer, literally!" So that's why he wanted to make sure she was head down today.

So we are still waiting. I'm still sleeping pretty good, and not horribly uncomfortable, so I guess I can wait until she is really ready to come. Hurray for week 40 going on 41! She better come before or after the Super Bowl though, I don't think Chris would enjoy being in the hospital for that game. They don't have high definition. :)

Baby Girl's Nursery!

Here are some pictures of the nursery we have been working on. It's pretty simple, but we are happy with it!

As you walk in the door:

The flower photos were all taken by my wonderful dad. I had to put my dried flowers somewhere. I'll probably have to move them when she gets older. The flowers are from valentines day, graduation, and the small corsage in the middle is from the Homecoming dance that Chris and I went to our senior year. The beautiful blanket my wonderful sister-in-law Kristen made!


Here is our little reading corner:

That's it! Hope she likes it!

On another note I went to Quilted Bear yesterday for the first time. I was on the hunt to find some cute baby accessories for pictures after the baby is born. Holy cow I didn't even know that place existed. There is so much stuff in there! We found some really cute stuff. It was really hard to decide what to get, and not buy everything.